


Emotionless Kirk

by DabbleInDrabble



Category: Star Trek
Genre: M/M, T'hy'la
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 11:11:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6114695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DabbleInDrabble/pseuds/DabbleInDrabble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabble in the AOS verse about Spock deciding to leave for Kolinar after Jim tells him that he loves him, leaving Jim heartbroken and extremely reckless. Jim gets seriously hurt, and the result is that he loses the ability to feel emotions. Jim doesn't mind, but then Spock gives up on Kolinar and shows up hoping to win Jim back, only to discover that Jim is no longer capable of loving him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emotionless Kirk

**Author's Note:**

> Just an emotional little drabble I dabbled on.
> 
> I do not own Star Trek.

Jim and Spock are together, but Spock is afraid of losing control over his emotions because he loves Jim too much. When Jim finally tells Spock that he loves him, Spock becomes determined to leave and pursue Kolinar. The morning after Spock indulges in one last passionate night, Jim wakes up and discovers that Spock is gone. Jim is heart broken, and after several failed attempts to move on, he starts acting recklessly on away missions hoping to die rather than continue living after Spock left him.

Then, on a dangerous away mission, Jim is severely injured, and a head wound damages the part of the brain that allows humans to feel emotion. Bones can't fix it, and only time will tell if Jim will ever fully recover, but his diagnosis is that Jim will never feel more than extremely dulled down emotions for the rest of his life. Jim is... Pleased isn't the right word, and neither is relieved... He is satisfied that his heart won't hurt anymore. Jim continues on as captain with Bones and the crew as his conscience, and is still a damn good captain. He is able to fake that he still has emotion perfectly when he must, because he is still able to easily read it on others, and logically deduce how to respond. 

One day Spock prime calls Jim up, and tells him what he thinks is good news. Apparently the young Spock has realized the error of his ways and is coming back to the enterprise. Jim doesn't bother faking emotion when he replies.

"That isn't as wonderful news as you seem to hope. Did you not hear what happened to me?" Jim asked blankly. 

Spock prime, now confused and worried says, "I do not understand, what are you trying to tell me Jim?"

"After Mr. Spock left I was very careless with my physical welfare. Because of this, I was injured on an away mission. I'm almost perfectly fine, I just can't feel emotions anymore. According to bones, I probably won't feel them ever again. Hopefully the returning commander is more informed than you, because I certainly don't require an emotionally distressed vulcan on my ship," Jim states, tone never changing. Prime is horrified and feels sick to his stomach. Jim kirk is broken, and his counterpart is to blame. 

"Perhaps if you sought a vulcan mind healer!" Prime pleads desperately. Surely this can be fixed. The universe can't possibly be so cruel!

"That won't be necessary. Emotions always did me more harm than good, so I'm not interested in fixing something that isn't broken. Good day Selek," Jim said, flipping off the feed before the elder Spock could reply.

After realizing that Jim had ended the call, Prime located the nearest waste basket and threw up until his stomach was empty. When he was sure there was nothing left, Prime called Spock. Prime hated that he couldn't even be angry at his younger self because he'd done the same foolish thing in his time. Prime thanked whoever was listening that his Jim hadn't been an emotionless husk when he'd returned, and pitied his young counterpart for the fate he now faced.

\----------

The first thing the younger Spock did after arriving back on the enterprise was rush to Jim's quarters and corner him. 

"Please tell me it isn't true Jim," Spock begs, misery painted on his face in the dark bags below his red rimmed eyes.

"If this is about my freedom from emotions, then yes, it is true. It would be for the best if you could accept this change and move on," Jim replies, not a hint of warmth or anger to him, just an emptiness in his eyes that makes spock want to vomit, which he does in the closest receptacle.

"That seems like an over reaction," Jim says, reaching out and patting Spocks back. Where once Spock would have felt something from the touch, now even as he strains he can't feel a thing. It's as if there isn't anyone touching him at all. 

Spock jerks away from the touch and retches some more hissing, "I will NEVER accept this Jim!"

"I don't understand why you're upset. It was your choice to leave me. I even understand now why you wanted kolinar so badly. Feeling my love for you must have been a huge burden. My love for you certainly didn't do me any good," Jim muses.

"NO! I was wrong to leave you Jim! I only left because I- I was afraid that I loved you too much!" Spock chokes, tears gleaming in his usually emotionless eyes.

"Interesting. And highly illogical. You should have told me that when I still had the ability to care, because those words don't really do anything for me now. I'm not capable of returning your affections." Jim states. Spock, overwhelmed with sorrow and desperation, pulls Jim in and kisses him desperately. Jim allows it, and appreciates the physical pleasure he is feeling. Spock weeps into the empty kiss when he yet again feels none of the love and life that once filled his T'Hy'La.

Afterwards, Spock still stays the enterprise and manages to convince Jim only to sleep with him should he get urges, but there isn't any love or emotion from Jim ever, and Spock is miserable. He feels sick that he ever thought he wanted to get rid of Jim's love. He took it for granted. He was too stupid to appreciate it when he had it, and now he'll never feel it again. Spock is miserable, and Jim feels nothing. When he's feeling especially morbid, Spock wonders if this is how Jim would have felt if he'd returned emotionless. Jim probably felt worse, because Spock had run away from him. Had abandoned him when he'd been vulnerable and shown Spock his heart.

Spock is so ashamed and lonely these days.

Then a miracle happens. Jim is walking next to him, when he slips and smashes his head on the wall. Spock grabs Jim's hand, and when Jim looks up at him, he can feel so much love for him coming from Jim. How Jim forgives him, and loves him, and how he's glad Spock didn't give up on him.

Spock weeps with Joy and won't let go of Jim for the next few days. He's terrified that if he lets go he'll never feel Jim's love again, and it would break him. Every day for the rest of their lives he makes sure Jim know he's loved and that Spock would die before leaving him again.

**Author's Note:**

> That's all for now, and I might flesh this out more someday, but probably not for awhile, so if anyone else wants to try writing this, send me a message.


End file.
